COLLAPSING WORLD

–Ты мой наркотик, я не могу остановиться.
The deserted wilderness was eerily quiet.
A gust of cold wind roared past, kicking up dust all over the sky.
It’s all so vast, so desolate. The wider the world is, the sadder it is. Just like deep in my heart, it’s deserted, so lonely, so dull.
The leaves of the withered grass have long fallen off, leaving no trace, leaving only the dry branches rustling like a cry.
On the horizon, the sun sets.
The remaining afterglow sprinkled on the ground, dyeing it a light orange-red, but it could not hide its darkness, making this place look even more eerie.
I sat next to a tall tree trunk. The intertwined branches above my head blocked the sunlight, making it difficult for me to see the surrounding environment clearly.
Behind me is endless desert.
An endless desert with no vegetation growing or any animal life.
On the cracked tree trunks, the circling birds have long since ceased to return, & only the intertwined dead branches are left, emitting a dazzling, lifeless light under the blood-red light of the setting sun. The extremely dry branches have been baptized for an unknown amount of time. With a slight touch, they turn into ashes & scatter in the air without leaving any trace.
Under the afterglow of the sky, those dry tree trunks looked like hideous & ugly faces, seeming to devour me, which made people shudder.
How can such a dry & desolate environment be related to the word desolation?
No, this isn’t called desert, let alone desolation. This is simply Huangquan Road!
The grave on the ground was covered with thick dust.
I reached out to pick it up, but I always felt that the stone was very heavy. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t pick it up without hurting my hands.
I lowered my head & looked at my own shadow cast in the cracks in the rocks. It was so thin, but it looked so thin & miserable.
The ground has long been dry & cracked, & the cracks are covered with dust, just like my heart. But the obsession has never been let go.
Pregnancy & sadness have become the main colors here, both emotionally & environmentally.
I am alone between heaven & earth, imprisoned by the heavy heaven & earth, destined to be unable to lift my head.
I breathed hard, still alive.
I may want to live, but I don’t even know why I want to live. Maybe it’s just to live, because only by living can there be hope. Only when you are alive can you have the courage to face the unknown & despair, & only then can you find your own dawn & light.
Pregnancy, tragedy, & a kind of melancholy that cannot be erased or washed away spreads between heaven & earth. Mixed with hope & endless decadence. I was abandoned, abandoned in this boundless wilderness.
My eyes penetrate everything between heaven & earth, looking into the distance, but I can’t see the end or hope.
My soul is like countless drifting dead trees, floating alone in the air, as if it will be annihilated at any time.
But I finally got up, unwilling to stay still & wait for death.
I want to find hope of survival, even if it’s a little bit, even if it’s a slim hope, I have to try once.
I slowly stood up, my legs were numb, & I almost fell, but I stood firm.
Walking forward step by step, my feet stepped on the fine gravel, making a crunching sound, like my fragile heart.
The pace gradually increased & turned into a run.
I ran without a destination, & my heart was blank. I ran without any ideas. Confused, running in the never-ending direction. Run, run as hard as you can, before the sun sets & the gossamer light has not completely disappeared; run, run without any scruples, if you fall, you will leave alone without any worries; run, Holding hope, embracing despair, holding on to the past with one hand, unwilling to let go, holding the present with the other hand, unwilling to let it pass.
The world is so narrow, but there are so many forks. Once you go astray, you don’t know where to go & where to go?
Running, running from the unknown, and running into the unknown.
My vision became blurred and my consciousness became confused. But I kept insisting and kept running. My willpower is constantly being sharpened, and I tell myself over and over again: Run, don’t stop, keep running. Only by constantly escaping and escaping can we gain freedom and hope.
I kept running like this, the wind scratched my skin and penetrated into my heart like a sharp blade.
I don’t know how far I ran. I just remember that I was so tired. The scene in front of me changed, my vision became blurry, and tears flowed down the corners of my eyes. They were cold and brought a tearing pain.
I know that my tears will burn myself, but no matter whether it hurts or not, only in this way can I persist longer.
Though there would be hope and the light of life ahead, it was still pitch black, just nothingness, no place to see, and no end.
I didn’t know how long I had been running. I just felt so sore and weak all over. Severe pain came from all my limbs, and I could hardly support my body.
and my reward is: abandoned cities, dilapidated buildings, and rusty statues, all showing the glory of the past and the loneliness of today.
The pace slowed down, my lips trembled slightly, but I couldn’t speak. The empty city is very big, but there is no place for me. I don’t know where I’m going.
My heart is remembering, my soul is remembering, and my body is remembering.
Just wandering around in a daze, looking for a place to stay. Unfortunately, the world is too vast. No matter how many people there are or how vast the city is, it is just a drop in the ocean, as small as a grain of sand.
The world was filled with a lifeless atmosphere. I was like a walking zombie, walking extremely sluggishly and aimlessly.
Then……..
There will be no more, probably. My heart also died, leaving only a body, an empty shell without any thinking, a body that didn’t know how to move forward.
In despair, I leaned in front of a church and looked at the bloody setting sun.
The color of the setting sun is very bright, reflected in my pupils, as red as blood, like blood, but also like a flame, burning.
The church is very old and dilapidated. The walls are covered with moss and there are all kinds of strange insects, making this originally solemn building look extremely dilapidated.
I sat quietly on the steps outside the church, staring blankly at the setting sun. I didn’t cry or howl, I just watched.
Do I want to cry for this crumbling church?
I smiled. There was no warmth in my eyes, but there was endless sadness, like an abandoned child.
The setting sun is like blood, and the light is like blood, spreading in my pupils.
As I watched, my eyes were sore and swollen. I clenched my hands, my nails digging deeply into my flesh, but I still didn’t know that my tears had already been shed.
The blood-red sunset is like a bloody lamp. It was a key that opened the door to my heart, but it refused to give me the last window, leaving me torn to pieces in the wind and rain.
There were long blood marks on my palms, and my fingertips were stained red with blood, but I felt no pain.
Could this deserted city by my final destination?
No, I don’t want it, I’m unwilling…
But so what, my voice was swallowed up by the wind and fell into the sea. “I stand on the edge of a cliff, but something always brings me back. All the sounds that ring in my head remind me of everything I once had.”
Deep in my heart, there is a vague expectation and desire. My soul was led, step by step, to step into this church.
I looked at the giant oil painting on the church, with hope shining in my eyes.
I am still running, imagining whether there is a glimmer of hope behind this empty city.
My heart cooled down little by little, and disappointment, despair, fear… all came to my mind in an instant.
My soul was swaying in the wind, & it felt like it could disappear at any time. I wanted to catch it, but unfortunately, I couldn’t. The wind howled, blowing up the broken hair on my forehead, getting bigger and bigger, whistling past my ears, stinging my cheeks.
My heart felt like it was being torn apart. Pain & despair were intertwined, making me almost collapse.
I wanted to scream, I wanted to shout loudly, but I found that my throat was blocked by something & I couldn’t make any sound at all.
Even crying has become a luxury.
My soul was trapped in a mist, struggling & trying, but to no avail.
Even if I wanted to cry or make a fuss, my soul was still trapped in that mist, & no matter what, I couldn’t break free.
I have become accustomed to the hard work over the years, but when this moment really came, I realized that I was so helpless, so helpless that I could only feel despair.
My soul was struggling uncontrollably. I wanted to leave, but I was trapped in the mist & could not move at all.
When the fog cleared & the truth came to light, hope was finally in vain.
& what am I expecting?
The edge of the city leads to…another wilderness.
The reality is very cruel.
Suffocating loneliness…
I stood outside the city & looked at the vast land in front of me. For a moment, I lost my direction in a trance.
Where should I go?
“BOOM!” A huge thunder was heard, deafening.
The violent aura spread wantonly, rolling up yellow sand & gravel all over the ground & rolling in the air. There were dark clouds in the sky, lightning & thunder, & it felt like a downpour was coming, but after a while it became calm again.
I can feel that I am like a trapped animal trapped in a cage at this moment. My eyes were staring straight ahead, unfocused & lifeless.
My world was dark & I couldn’t see the way forward. This world is filled with strange darkness, just like a trap waiting for prey, waiting for them to jump in, waiting for them to die.
& I became that prey.
My consciousness kept wandering, & everything in front of me became distorted, like shadows shaking, like countless ghost snakes spitting out scarlet letters. I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t make a sound.
My body was being dragged forward, but no one was around me.
I wanted to break free from the restraints, but was pulled back by a stronger suction force, & fell to the ground again.
I heard bursts of screams, like countless innocent souls roaring, & I felt my body getting lighter & lighter…
Finally, I couldn’t hold on any longer & fell to the ground, falling into darkness…
Tears fell from the corners of my eyes, dripping down my cheeks & splashing on the ground, making a small splash.
Immediately afterwards, there was the heartbreaking cry of the strong wind, screaming & wailing, as shrill as coming from the Nine Nether Hell, which made people’s hair stand on end. My consciousness gradually regained consciousness, but my body felt so suppressed that I couldn’t breathe.
It was as if my hands & feet were tied by iron chains, & I was curled up on the cold ground. My legs were kneeling on the ground, my hands were behind my back, as if I was hanging high in the sky, & my body was twitching violently.
Finally, he fell down in the endless wasteland, buried in despair. Until this moment, there is still no glimmer of hope. … It’s dark & cold…
I have fantasized countless times, but failed countless times. How I wish I could meet a companion, even if there is only one, just one, as long as there is just one, a companion who can give me warmth when I am lonely, a companion who can rely on me when I am helpless, a companion who can cuddle up with each other in the boundless wilderness, let the night be our background… this is enough. But… there is none… .
My heart becomes numb in the cold.
I closed my eyes and didn’t want to open them again, I just wanted to fall asleep like this.
Just keep sleeping like this, just like that…
Don’t wake up again.
The deep night fell, and the starless sky was not as dark as expected.
There is only a lonely moon left in the sky, shining coldly on the world and my heart.
I raised my head and looked up at the crescent moon in the sky.
In the endless night, there were two bright stars shining. My eyes filled with tears and shone with them.
Why… is it because it’s lonely here, or because… I miss him so much.
I looked up at the sky above my head, but all I could see were dim stars.
Everything is nothing, I would rather close my eyes and sink into the illusion.
Look at the stars and feel your own heartbeat.
“One, two, three…” In front of my eyes, the two stars were constantly approaching each other; then, they broke through the barrier of millions of light years and came together.
At that moment, the wind stopped and billions of meteors roared towards the sky, forming a dazzling light in the sky, blooming in the dark night, and for an instant, the sky is full of stars, illuminating the whole world.
I looked at this scene and smiled.
It was a beautiful picture, with such gorgeous light and dazzling stars, I will never forget it.
“Will there be my stars in there?”
Using the last of my strength, I struggled and walked towards the direction of the falling meteor.
Before my eyes, everything was pitch black.
However, I didn’t feel the slightest fear, but instead felt inexplicably excited. At this moment, I could feel that I could touch a soft embrace. The corners of my mouth curled up slightly, showing a smile, and I reached out my hand, wanting to touch it.
Right now there is a sparkling lake.
Another gust of wind blew, making people shiver.
Here, I can clearly smell the salty smell of water and grass. The water in the lake was so cold that my heart also became cold.
Leaning against the boulder that has not yet turned into dust, facing the shining meteor shower.
I see meteors passing by, blooming in mid-air with bright light. They are flying in the air, dazzling and dreamlike…
I don’t know how many stars perished and how many meteors fell in that galactic feast that night.
I only know that those stars were left by you for me…
My heart is trembling, not with fear, nor with surprise, nor with panic, but with happiness.
Since this person has passed away…
One last reluctant look at this world that is not prosperous. Then, it disappeared with the shooting star.

That day, in a desert, under the dark night sky, a young man achieved liberation. He had a dream in which he embraced his star and escaped from his loneliness.